As more couples delay parenthood, older parents and kids weigh joys and challenges of age gap

Ms Yi Ling, 33, remembers a time as a youngster when she would try to avoid her father or run away whenever he fetched her from primary school.
The user-experience designer, who declined to give her full name, said that back then, her schoolmates often mistook her parents — aged 45 and 50 when they had her — for her grandparents, and constantly made fun of her.
She eventually grew out of this phase, but continued having a different experience than her peers who had younger mums and dads.
“My parents did try their best to play with me when I was a kid,” she said.
“But by the time I got to secondary school, they weren’t going out with me already, or barely … maybe just to the market.”
Her father suffered a stroke when she was around 11 or 12 years old and retired shortly after that, though he continued to take on some work.
Today, Ms Yi Ling is a mother to two children aged nine and two years old and laments how her friends’ parents help them out with their children, while hers cannot.
Her children never even got to meet her father, who died from old age before they were born. 
And although her mother, who is now in her late 70s, had helped out a little with caring for the older grandson when he was younger, she is no longer able to do so due to her limited mobility.
Ms Yi Ling’s experience of having a wide age gap with her parents is hardly rare.
Last weekend, CNA newscaster Glenda Chong, 51, broke the news in a CNA TODAY article that she and her husband are expecting a child early next year, after a decade-long attempt at in-vitro fertilisation (IVF).
As congratulatory messages for the couple quickly poured in online, the announcement also reignited a debate around late-age parenthood. 
Annual reports published by the government pointed to the growing reality of delayed parenthood here and showed a trend of more mothers choosing to have children later in life.
The Population in Brief report released by the Prime Minister’s Office showed that in 2013, the median age of first-time Singaporean mothers was 30.2 years old. It inched up each year, to a median age of 31.7 in 2023.
Statistics from the Immigration and Checkpoints Authority’s annual report on the registration of births and deaths also showed an upward trend in the number of Singaporean women aged 45 and above who give birth each year.
In 2014, 54 mothers aged 45 and above bore children. This jumped to 84 mothers in 2019, and last year, 117 Singaporean women aged 45 and above had children.
Asked about her concerns as a soon-to-be older parent, CNA’s Ms Chong said: “I’m not too worried … because I’m getting valuable lessons from friends who’ve already had kids. I learn valuable lessons from them and spare myself any trial and errors because of the advice I get from the ‘been there done that’ tribe.”
Others who have walked this path said that raising children later in life comes with its own set of challenges.
They voiced concerns about their health and fitness levels possibly deteriorating as they age, while others were worried about not being around long enough to witness key milestones in their children’s lives.
Even if the older parents made efforts to keep active, fit and healthy, having naturally lower energy levels was still a challenge given their age, they said.
Mrs Michelle Bong Lejtenyi, 50, a marketing and communications professional, said: “It can be physically taxing at playgrounds or indoor play spaces, where James (her five-year-old son) runs around screaming, ‘Mama! Chase me, chase me!’ and I try my best not to break my back as I zoom after him.”
The mother of two boys delivered her firstborn James when she was 45 years old and her second son, now 17 months old, last year.
Likewise, Ms Liu Ling Ling, a 61-year-old singer and actress, said that there was a time years ago when she was carrying her son and then her legs suddenly felt weak and almost gave way. After that, she rarely carried her son for too long.
Finances are also a key consideration, with older parents saying that they try to set aside enough savings to support both their children and their own ageing needs.
And given that their own parents are also older, these parents find that they have a smaller pool of relatives to whom they can approach for caregiving help. 
The children of older parents have their own worries, especially about caregiving and their ability to financially provide for their ageing parents while they themselves are still schooling or freshly establishing their career.
Others mentioned generational gaps and differing interests, given the wide age gap between themselves and their parents.
Some, like 24-year-old Megan (not her real name), said that having older parents has made her more risk-averse than her peers.
The final-year undergraduate — who agreed to speak to CNA TODAY on the condition of anonymity — is an only child. Her mother and father, who were 45 and 44 years old respectively when she was born, are almost 70 this year.
Megan said: “I feel that there are a lot of things I cannot do, especially if it involves being away from family for an extended period of time. My friends who have graduated all talk about taking gap years to travel, (or are) starting their careers overseas.”
She yearns to do all this as well, but feels duty-bound to take care of her ageing parents.
“I’m always worried … what if something bad happens to my elderly parents while I’m thousands of miles away? Because of this, I feel like I can’t truly ‘live my life’ and make the most out of my 20s, (which is) supposedly the time when people have the most freedom and energy to pursue idealistic and risky dreams.”
She added that she also felt compelled to choose a higher-paying career that she does not necessarily enjoy, so that she may provide financially for her ageing parents’ healthcare needs.
Older parents may lose some advantage in fitness and support, but those interviewed by CNA TODAY pointed to the silver lining of being more emotionally mature and financially stable.
Mrs Lejtenyi said: “I’m better placed financially now than, say, 10 or 15 years ago when I would have struggled to finance private preschool fees, language classes, or rugby and soccer sessions.”
Another parent Yuen Tat, 64, who has 14-year-old twins, believes that with age, he has gained more perspective and a better understanding of himself.
The freelance tech consultant and sales coach said this means that he has greater clarity in decision-making and is more emotionally available for his children.
Similarly, Ms Liu the singer believes that she is better equipped to love her son as an older parent. She might have been more concerned about her career as a young parent, but she is clear about her priorities today.
Reflecting on her own 15-year journey towards motherhood, Ms Liu said that this has made her all the more appreciative of her son and life stage today.
Children born to older parents agreed that they generally had access to more resources and did not have to worry much about money growing up.
Mr Daniel Bai, 28, whose father was 41 when he was born, finds that he is blessed with more resources than his older brothers — now aged 39 and 36 — while they were children.
On a more philosophical level, Megan the undergraduate said that watching her parents age gives her a more mature perspective on life.
“It shows me how fragile life is, how little time we have to spend with our loved ones and by extension, how meaningless it is to hold onto grudges over trivial arguments.”
For their part, the parents who spoke to CNA TODAY said that because of their age, they actively take steps to manage the hurdles that come with being an older parent. 
For example, they focus on staying fit and healthy in a bid to extend the time they have with their children.
Mr Yuen the 64-year-old with teenage twins said that he works out between two and three times a week and  clocks around 15,000 steps daily.
He also takes fewer risks: Even though skiing was a hobby he enjoyed in his younger days, he has chosen not to keep up with it now that he is older.
Echoing his sentiments, Mrs Lejtenyi said that she and her husband knew when they started their family that they would have to make some sacrifices.
“We knew we would never retire, because the responsibility to leave the kids financially secure would be huge. But all this was worth the joy and life experiences that parenthood brings.”
Ms Chong the newscaster has also been preparing extra hard for the birth of her son: “I know that age is irreversible, so I’ve been keeping myself healthy so that I will be around for as long as I possibly can for my child.
“With all the self-care measures I’ve been doing, I hope to give more of myself to the child. I want to make every minute count.”
Aside from managing their health and finances, experts advised that older parents build reliable extended social support networks.
Dr Tan Ern Ser, a sociologist at the National University of Singapore (NUS), said that cultivating such a network would give children the assurance that there are people they know who can step in to play the role of parents should the need arise.
Dr Cheung Hoi Shan, an assistant professor at the National Institute of Education who has research interest in parenting practices, said that if caregiving for older parents becomes a priority at some point, perhaps a plan may be worked out such that the responsibility is shared among siblings or even with the extended family network. 
And although navigating parent-child conversations about late-age parenthood is necessary, parents should engage their children in an age-appropriate manner. Otherwise, it may create unnecessary fear, insecurity or anxiety in their children.
Ms Ng Siau Hwei, the head of psychology at the National University Hospital’s paediatrics department, said that children at different ages understand death differently, so parents should be mindful of their child’s level of understanding of death, before speaking to them about the topic. 
“If parents really have to broach the topic … it is important that both parents are on the same page about what to say and how to say it,” Ms Ng added.
“It is important to reassure the child that they will always be cared for, that someone will be around to help out, and that plans have been made to ensure that they are looked after. Reassure the child that it is all right to ask questions and to express their feelings.”
All things considered, the reality of late-age parenthood is not all grim.
Ms Sanaa Lundgren, a senior therapist at Incontact Counselling and Training, said that older parents are motivated to embark on the journey of parenthood because they do not take conceiving children for granted.
“They may have also had the time to travel and fulfil their goals before becoming parents, which leaves little if no room to any lingering regrets of lost dreams due to parenthood.”
Dr Tan from NUS said: “There will be some older parents with younger kids who are like most parents, (or) even surpassing the norm in being able to care and provide well for their children.”
Agreeing, Mrs Lejtenyi said: “A parent at any age will tell you that raising a child is not easy. Your life revolves around their needs and nearly everything takes a backseat, but that’s par for the course. You learn to adapt and evolve along with your kids.”